Monday, August 5, 2013
where do i go from here?
The past 10 years have been interesting to say the least. Especially when it comes to my health. . . first came the "high blood pressure" then the diabetes, blood issues, and now cancer. . I have to admit. I was not expecting it. Getting the call from the Dr. I was waiting for the ~ everything looks fine, lets check back in a year. . . but not it's C A N C E R. or for the next few words. . .Me: so what's the game plan? Dr: totally hysterectomy me: and then? (thinking there must be more to this) dr: that should get everything me: are we sure? dr: we won't know anything until we open you up me: cancer, um doesn't that mean radiation? chemo? dr: lets get everything out then we'll go from there me: surgery when? dr: soon as possible me: I'll call you back click: head in hands crying. . call Hubby: Enoka: what's up Me: Dr. Terada callled Enoka: ANDDDDDDDDD! Me: Silence Enoka: hello? Hello? HELLO? Me: it's cancer and he wants surgery right away Enoka: Shhhhhhhhh. . . ! (silence. . then crying. . "When are you coming home? Me: I don't know I have AVON tonight. . sisters are going to Kareoke Enoka: Please come home. . . click: phone ringing again: Rosie: Hello my favorite. Me: Sobbing Rosie: What's a matter? Me: Just heard back from the Dr. It's cancer, I have to have surgery, I'll be out of work for 6 weeks. . . Rosie: Oh honey, I'm sorry, this just sucks! Me: Yup I'm not going to the mtg. tonight. I don't feel like it. Rosie: Me neither. . . .they'll just have to deal without their favorites. When are you going to have surgery? Me: Don't know just got off the phone with the Dr and Hubby I have to talk to the boss. Rosie: (bunch of stuff I don't need to share) "call me after you talk to her. . love ya, don't tell Celeste but you're my favorite!" HEAD IN HANDS AGAIN CRYING . . . COMPOSING MYSELF. . . FIXING MY MAKEUP. . . GOING TO TALK TO THE BOSS. . . Me: Got a moment? Espe: Sure what's up Me: Dr. just called with results ~ I have cancer, I have to have a total hysterectomy. It takes 6 weeks to recuperate. (talking as fast as I can but the tears are faster) Espe: Passing me the kleenex, we need to get it done right away. Who can we train, how about_________? Schedule it right away, don't mess around. You can beat this, I'm sorry. Let me hug you. Go home, do you need a ride? should I call your hubby? (It was time to go home anyway). I'm not sure this was worse or equally as bad as the car accident but in the few minutes of the bad news a support team to help me hold it in as I am falling apart. Tears spilled as I let each person in my family know the rest of the night. But, they were all there for me. How lucky am I. It has been a week and 1/2 since learning my state of health and several things have happened. I've realized that I can count on both hands a feet more people I know who have battled cancer and won. I came to the conclusion after a few days of constant crying that I don't like to be sad or depressed. It's not me. I was angry for a while but that's not me either. It's cancer. I have it. I can't change it. But I don't have to live my life sore and unhappy. My biggest sadness about this is the fact that for sure, I will never have a baby. Not a big deal for some but personally I've had a dream of being a mom of at least 12 kids. I've always wanted a big family just like the one I grew up in. Last year after my miscarriage I resolved that if I had just one it would be worth it. This year (a year later) I am given the news that my one impossible dream will never happen. I can love everyone elses child but will never have my own. Two things come from this reality. I must now move on to another dream. What a relief, I don't have to pray about when because my answer is never. But on the other hand, how many times have I told the lord I will do what he wants and this experience will only "refine" me. I do not know how many times Lanice comes to mind (because her fav. scripture): Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths. I can not choose the outcome. I want to believe that this surgery will end the cancer. I want to live. So while i can, I will.