the best part of cancer

Sounds like a really strange title. I know. but after starting this journey I've decided that I am grateful it is me. Not one of my sisters or nieces. So the best part of getting cancer is that for the rest of my family history none of the girls in my family can say they don't have a history of cancer in our family. Why is this good? Every time someone goes in with a problem, doctors will take a closer look. I've complained since 2006 of pains and problems. I don't know if cancer would have ever been caught earlier but the nausea,anemia, pains, and other problems were always dismissed as ulcers or some other simple explanation. More meds, more dr. apts. but never more searching for the root. None of my family will have to go through that. They will say "history of cancer" and the right tests and screening will be done. The Second resson I am glad I got cancer is now I can move on. All my life I dreamed of the day that I would have a child of my own. Planned how many children I would have (at least 12) their names and the order. After getting married, my hubby and I waited, tried again and again. Each check up hoping this time it would be positive, and several times glad that it was only to end as quickly as it started. But now I don't need to try, wait, wonder. I can move on with my life knowing that it's not in the cards for me. I could have seriously gone another 10 years waiting and wondering, hoping and trying. Now I can discover more dreams, ones without a large family. It really is a blessing

where do i go from here?

The past 10 years have been interesting to say the least. Especially when it comes to my health. . . first came the "high blood pressure" then the diabetes, blood issues, and now cancer. . I have to admit. I was not expecting it. Getting the call from the Dr. I was waiting for the ~ everything looks fine, lets check back in a year. . . but not it's C A N C E R. or for the next few words. . .Me: so what's the game plan? Dr: totally hysterectomy me: and then? (thinking there must be more to this) dr: that should get everything me: are we sure? dr: we won't know anything until we open you up me: cancer, um doesn't that mean radiation? chemo? dr: lets get everything out then we'll go from there me: surgery when? dr: soon as possible me: I'll call you back click: head in hands crying. . call Hubby: Enoka: what's up Me: Dr. Terada callled Enoka: ANDDDDDDDDD! Me: Silence Enoka: hello? Hello? HELLO? Me: it's cancer and he wants surgery right away Enoka: Shhhhhhhhh. . . ! (silence. . then crying. . "When are you coming home? Me: I don't know I have AVON tonight. . sisters are going to Kareoke Enoka: Please come home. . . click: phone ringing again: Rosie: Hello my favorite. Me: Sobbing Rosie: What's a matter? Me: Just heard back from the Dr. It's cancer, I have to have surgery, I'll be out of work for 6 weeks. . . Rosie: Oh honey, I'm sorry, this just sucks! Me: Yup I'm not going to the mtg. tonight. I don't feel like it. Rosie: Me neither. . . .they'll just have to deal without their favorites. When are you going to have surgery? Me: Don't know just got off the phone with the Dr and Hubby I have to talk to the boss. Rosie: (bunch of stuff I don't need to share) "call me after you talk to her. . love ya, don't tell Celeste but you're my favorite!" HEAD IN HANDS AGAIN CRYING . . . COMPOSING MYSELF. . . FIXING MY MAKEUP. . . GOING TO TALK TO THE BOSS. . . Me: Got a moment? Espe: Sure what's up Me: Dr. just called with results ~ I have cancer, I have to have a total hysterectomy. It takes 6 weeks to recuperate. (talking as fast as I can but the tears are faster) Espe: Passing me the kleenex, we need to get it done right away. Who can we train, how about_________? Schedule it right away, don't mess around. You can beat this, I'm sorry. Let me hug you. Go home, do you need a ride? should I call your hubby? (It was time to go home anyway). I'm not sure this was worse or equally as bad as the car accident but in the few minutes of the bad news a support team to help me hold it in as I am falling apart. Tears spilled as I let each person in my family know the rest of the night. But, they were all there for me. How lucky am I. It has been a week and 1/2 since learning my state of health and several things have happened. I've realized that I can count on both hands a feet more people I know who have battled cancer and won. I came to the conclusion after a few days of constant crying that I don't like to be sad or depressed. It's not me. I was angry for a while but that's not me either. It's cancer. I have it. I can't change it. But I don't have to live my life sore and unhappy. My biggest sadness about this is the fact that for sure, I will never have a baby. Not a big deal for some but personally I've had a dream of being a mom of at least 12 kids. I've always wanted a big family just like the one I grew up in. Last year after my miscarriage I resolved that if I had just one it would be worth it. This year (a year later) I am given the news that my one impossible dream will never happen. I can love everyone elses child but will never have my own. Two things come from this reality. I must now move on to another dream. What a relief, I don't have to pray about when because my answer is never. But on the other hand, how many times have I told the lord I will do what he wants and this experience will only "refine" me. I do not know how many times Lanice comes to mind (because her fav. scripture): Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths. I can not choose the outcome. I want to believe that this surgery will end the cancer. I want to live. So while i can, I will.

Life's too short

So much has happened in the past year that I haven't blogged. . . Lisi graduated from law school. Dad's Memory has declined. . . Mariah is in High School. . . Sharyn is in Young Womens. . . Elijah's basketball team made it to the finals. . . Pati finally likes me enough to let me play candy land, but not enough to let me win. . .AVON has exploded for me. I became a divisonal winner which included an all expense paid trip to New York, Professional Make up classes and more. Enoka is still the center of my life. I am no longer part of the Primary Presidency. I am full time with Seminary and getting ready for graduation. It seems like everything is constantly moving from one event to another. Lisa is getting married this weekend. Alofa is entering the temple for herself at the end of the Month. Some of the Mavens are coming to Hawaii in June. Rachael still believes that she is my favorite. Sam and his group are way more amazing then I ever remember. Finally went to Tiki's for my birthday. It's amazing to think that 15 years ago my life changed in a big way and yet it still feels like Yesterday. Driving down the road on our way to a concert looking at the beautiful rainbow and sunset and boom. Gone in an instant. Maybe there are too many memories to remember, but at the same time so many missed. A drunk driver, a split second, a lifetime of regret.

Latest PPI

So Daddy, so in tune with the spirit. . .more than most people realize, even with the dementia - called me in for a PPI (personal priesthood interview) a few weeks back. He heard from my mom that I was sick. To what extent I know not, but our visit was different from most of our PPI's. Gone were the questions, are you reading your scriptures? are you a full tithe payer? are you holding family home evening? are you attending the temple regularly? . . in it's place he testified to me about an experience he had with the prophet David O Mc Kay on one of his visits to Hawaii and the Polynesian Cultural Center. Dad had been chosen as one of the men to escort Pres. Mc Kay around the center, and when they had a moment alone, Dad asked him for a blessing. . . .He believed that Pres. M Kay would give him one because he had given one to his Grandfather and his mother on a trip to Tonga back in 1921. He wanted this blessing because there was some information missing from his patriarchal blessing. President Mc Kay knew who he was, remembered the exact day and location that he gave the blessings to our ancestors, and knew that Dad knew the blessings and promises that had been pronounced. He told dad, no- it was not necessary. That the blessings pronounced upon them would also be passed down to him. Dad explained to him that when he received his patriarchal blessing (in 1972)that information was missing. . .that all his siblings received this and that he desired this too. . .Pres. Mc Kay again told him not to worry, that he was aware of the blessing given to his mom and grandpa - it was the same blessing for him. That what he was promised in his blessing would come true depending upon his faithfulness. . .I share this because, I have been thinking about my patriarchal blessing. . .Dad has a profound promise in his that I don't have in mine. In fact mine states just the opposite. This has weighed on my mind for a while, and while doing a session this weekend, I felt the spirit testify to me the importance of the council given to me by my dad. I prefer not to share it because it was meant for just me, but I do want to say that I know he is a man called of God. Just a man, but one holding the priesthood, to act in his name here on earth. I am so grateful to know this. To have this confirmed. To know of his love for me, and know that he has done everything throughout his life to make sure that we are and can be a forever family. I share this now because I woke up early this morning after an interesting dream. I dreamt that I was teaching a class and the question we were studying was: Did Jesus really live again? like in that Primary song, "Did Jesus really live again after he had died? Oh yes, and so will I"

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Extreme Couponing!!!

I love deals! I am addicted to them. and when the deal includes something free I love it even more. . .I walked into Bath and Body yesterday with a free item coupon and walked out with a bag full of goodies and a free item that retailed at $15 all under $20!.

So today, I took a little trip around FACEBOOK and guess what I discovered. . .You think it and you can get it. . your favorite chips, meats, ice cream. . .anything. I was so excited I just joined about 25 pages in about the same amount of time. I've already got a free pineapple pop from edible arrangements, some great hair products from walmart, free zip lock bags and containers, and coupons for almost everyting I am buying for the rest of the week.

Try it, see what you get, and if you are having a baby I know where you can get $250 worth of products for free. . which makes me want to go back and get it for someones baby shower. . . Thank you friends who keep me abreast on the latest deals. . .you are making me loose sleep in a good way. . happy shopping and remember to ask yourself. . "is there a way I could get it cheaper or free!"

AUGUST PRODUCT OF THE MONTH!!!

I've decided to do a product of the month for my wonderful customers. . . give you the chance to try a new or favorite product of AVON's at a discount. So here is a great new product. AVON's 3D Rescue. It repairs three years worth of damage in 3 days!!! and I am giving you the chance to get it at $6.00. This leave in treatment is perfect if you have problems with dry dull hair, if your hair is brittle and breaks easily, or if you suffer from split ends.

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Thanks for the Support!

If I Ruled the World

I have never taken the time to wonder what would happen if I ruled the world. .. I have always thought of myself as an efficient indian rather than a powerful chief. . . My teaching techniques always consited of leading a discussion into certain paths, but not really laying down the law. . I don't like doing all the talking. . .or enjoying the sound of my own voice. . until this past week.

I was in the presence of Elite Royalty. . .Intelectuals beyond my years. . . Beings that could not be judged, corrected, or taught because they knew it all. . .Yes folks I am referring to the Senior Seminary Class of 2012 at the Honolulu Tabernacle.

I walked into the classroom excited to share my wealth of knowledge that I have been collecting as I teach the CTR 7 class each Sunday. I studied the lessons, came up with games and activities that would be entertaining and fun but at the end of the hour help them feel of the spirit and start the day right. With scripture in hand and about 20 hours of church videos, training, reading, and preparation I fell flat on my face.

Thats right. . .all the teaching, studying, learning and praying for a lifetime lead to this reality you can not shake the ideals of a teenager. . . especially if you have no food to bribe them.

If I ruled the world. . .I would vote them into office, run the government, and have them get up each morning to come and teach me at seminary! I didn't knock any of them off their pedistal, but they sure knocked me off mine. . .

I think it will be a while before I get off the floor.

Did you know. . .

that I think about blogging all the time and when I get on this page I spend all my time at other blogs?

I totally love the lopez : refashion in law. . . makes me want to be more creative. . . .

I can never get enough of: crashtestdummydiaries

and as I have finally addmitted to everyone. . I sit on legers-ledger all day at work just for the music. .

but I think my favorite of all is the : magic quilt. . . I find peace, joy, and healing of my own as I read these stories. . no I don't have cancer but these individuals and families have become my hero's. . .

so this is my excuse for not blogging, but if you have time you should check these out too!

It's not so easy

I love going to church and being challanged. . .

- to be a better person

- to love others no matter what

- to forgive

- not to judge

- serve others UNCONDITIONALLY

. . . the problem is i keep failing!!!!

The Challenge: To Be Grateful!

As I sit here and contemplate what the future holds I wonder if I can really be grateful through the present. President Monson admonished us just a few days ago to be grateful. Be patient, don't settle for what you want now. Wait for the real reward. I am trying. Enoka and I lay awake wondering what the future holds? What plan does the Lord have in store? What decision is the right decision? How much will it hurt? Do I break down and ask my parents if we can move in with them? or do we turn to his family for help? Do we seek temporary monetary help? Or a more long term (long patience) approach? Even though the fault lies on Enoka for the shortage of funds, I feel the guilt lies heavier on me. I am the one who went to the Lord with a question, innocent as it was I never imagined the answer would affect us so greatly. I keep wondering, "why did I ask if I knew it would lead to a test/challenge so hard?" Why can't I just run under the covers and hide till the problem is solved? Gosh, I miss being a kid again. I can't breathe, I can't cry, I can't yell, and I can't make everything right! What to do?

It's kind of spooky!

So one of my co-workers is on vay-k this week. No one else has been coming in. I have this huge office to myself most of the day and all I hear are strange noises. I tried turning up the radio and even singing along but to no avail. . it's still weird. Spookier than the Haunted Lagoon!

Gratitude

Pres. Monson made me realize just how much I complain and over look the many blessings I have to be greatful for. As I have sat and pondered in just the past hour and half of my blessings. I have seen a huge paradigm shift in my attitude towards my work place, my friends/enemies, my family, my home, my situation, my life. I am so grateful that we get to listen to the Lords chosen every six months!

Husbands. . . are they all the same?

Mine can stay home all day, and when I walk in exhausted from 8 hours of work, 2 hours of church, and 1/2 of exercise, will ask with a big smile on his face, "what you making for dinner?"

What is Love/ My day

I tried to come up with my definition of love and thought so long that I didn't remember to post. So I am doing a double post today. . .

What is LOVE: Alapati,Rachael, Sharyn, Elijah, Mariah, Judah, Adonijah, Uriah, Rachel, Jeremiah, Natasha, Alisi, Viena, Larie, Abe, Iwa, Jason, Kappy, Fale, Sam, Lina, Seu, Luisa, Fa'a, Maota, Isaako, Linikone, Darnette, Loliga, Don, Kemu, Mom, Dad, and Enoka. True love is in the family.

Today I planned to do laundry, go to work, shop with Viena, and hang with Robbie. The in-laws flew in today and I didn't get to do anything planned. It's been so long since I've seen Robbie, that I bet she thinks I'm trying to avoid her. . Not true but feels like it. Oh and sending in my 4th order for avon.

I did get to spend a wonderful afternoon with family, chat with the girls, and had time to make cornbread. I even got to go celebrate BIG MAC MONDAY!!!!! THAT'S RIGHT BABY, IT'S BACK. . . GO WARRIORS!

Here's exactly what I ate today:

Woke up and was sooooo hungry 3:00am in the morning : Banana pankeke from Dots. . (leftovers)
Breakfast 11:00 am (yup I went back to sleep) left overs from yesterdays lunch: banana, kalo, ufi (all faalifu style) palusami, bake chicken and orange juice.

lunch: hot dog and soda from sam's club.

dinner: brownies with walnuts and sprinkled with powder sugar (first) than a slice of pizza!

I haven't decided if I'll have brownies afterwards too!

Day 3: My Parents

I have pondered about what to say all day. Do I tell the truth? What if it gets back to them? Do I sugar coat? What if readers know my family too well to know that this was the rated G version? What to say about my parents?

Like most families that grew up in Laie during my time. My parents met at Church Collage of Hawaii (now known as BYU-H)Mom came from here, Molokai and Kamehameha Schools to be exact. Dad came to Hawaii from Tonga with a short stop in Samoa waiting for his VISA to go through.

I wish I could tell you how my parents met, and how my dad proposed, and how romantic everything was. . but I think that is a story too long for this blog and one that only they could share. So I'm going to share a story about my father, that I don't think I've ever shared before. If you want to know how awesome my mother is, just read yesterdays blog.

When I was about 10 years old, I, like many curious children, started rambling through my fathers bottom drawer. (I don't know about your family, but each of my parents had a drawer that was their personal stuff, they never told us we couldn't touch, we just knew it was off limits.) He always had magical treasures in there, Always had at least one 3 lb can of corned beef - I didn't realize until I was older just how "rich" he was to have corned beef straight from New Zealand. And a few cans of smaller corned beef. They would change often, and I never knew why or how, cause we NEVER got to eat it. Only corned beef I ever ate until I met my husband was Libbys! He always had his Tauvala?(sp?)for special occasions, and then a bunch of important papers, a brief case (my favorite thing) In side he collected silver dollers, 50 cent pieces and some rare old dollar bills. But on this particular day I found his Journal! I was in shock, My dad kept a journal. What would a man write? So I looked around, found no one and started to read.

He was pouring out his feelings, worries and hopes for our family and especially for our garden. He wrote how he hoped the bugs would stop eating the lettuce. How he hoped the tomatoes would continue to grow. He expressed how grateful he was for good weather and how blessed he felt to work with his hands. he went on to talk about each of the veggies and then about each of us (his children)and how he wanted us to love the land too.

Up to this point in my life, I thought my dad was the man who got up in the morning and went to work, came home for lunch and went back to work, woke up on Sunday and went to church, came back for dinner and went to church again. But here he was sharing his hopes and dreams, in writing. All in his "secret" drawer! I found out more as I read. but the most amazing thing was his testimony. I don't think I ever heard him share it. But it was in the journal too. And it was powerful. I got to know my father like never before and was grateful. He wasn't just another man, he was a priesthood holder. He Loved the Savior, he wanted to follow the teachings of Jesus and he wanted us - his family to do all we could to return to Heavenly Father.

Now that he is getting older, it can sometimes be hard to understand why he is slowing down. As I have grown up, I've tried to understand why he makes or made certain decisions. But I never wonder who he is. I know - My Daddy is a Child of God. Sent here to love me like my father in Heaven would if he were here. Love you Dad.

Day 2: My first love!

Okay so most of you are probably writing about some puppy love that you crushed on in middle school. . . Not me..

I have not fallen out of love with my first love - and no- Enoka has nothing to worry about. . .

My first love was/is READING! But not just any read, Church books, especially the Book of Mormon. I was fourteen years old. Starting to realize that many of my friends at school had different beliefs. I wasn't trying to be a missionary, I was only trying to understand where they were coming from. Catholics, Baptist, Buhdist, Methodist, and the list goes on. . .But why so many different churches and what was the difference between theirs and ours. . .(Up till this time, when people said they belonged to a different church, I had assumed they meant a different ward or stake).

My mother and I were shopping at SEARS one day and a lady asked me if I was catholic or christen? I thought???????? then told her Christen but why didn't I say "neither, I'm mormon!" This led to an interesting conversation all the way home. We were preping dinner and still discussing the church issuse when my mother told me about her up bringing. My Grandmother was a "scientologist?" I never knew. I thought we were all mormons. Then she told me that when she was dating my father, she started to read the book of mormon(influenced by her roommate, not my dad), she shared with me how she had prayed about it and knew it was true. . .

This intrigued me. I had heard the Joseph Smith story, and we read the book of mormon as a family every morning, I just assumed it was true. I had never questioned it before. But that night I began. Every night in fact before going to bed I would read. Sometimes with a flashlight because I shared my room with Kappy and she would be asleep before me. I wish I could say I finished in a week, but it was months (almost 6) before I finished it. I prayed about it. I remember staying on my knees and waiting. Every night I would pray to find out if the Book was true. I don't remember how long, but more than a week had passed before the answer came to me. I got chicken skin, and then this warm feeling of love that I had never felt before. I cried and didn't know why. Then I realized that it was the spirit. The savior was telling me it was true. I got my answer, just like my mother and Joseph Smith. Something changed. I knew that I would never be the same. I knew it was true and hurt that others didn't. I went from falling a sleep during family scripure reading, to wanting to understand more. I spent all my extra money on LDS novels and church books, bios of prophets and church leaders.

But I have continued to read the Book of Mormon, and each time I finish I get on my knees and ask for a witness of it's truthfulness. As I go through and learn about promises, I test them out. Some of the time it takes a while to get my answer. . some times the trials accompanied by them are more than I think that I can bear. But each time I search, ponder, pray and exercise the teachings I feel the spirit testifying even stronger of the truthfullness. I understand deeper why it is an individual thing, and especially - increase my love for the book, the prophets who wrote it and the people who lived it.

Day 1 - Introduce yourself

Born Helen Kalei'eha Langi, now Helen Kalei'eha Moenoa I am called Helen by most, Kalei by family and close friends, K by neices and Nephews. I was named after my Great Grandma and My middle name is Hawaiian - Kalei'eha in literal translation means "wreath of pain" and if you had a mirror right now, I know what your face looks like as you are reading it. Everytime I tell someone they get that "WHAT!!!!" look. but the definition is my favorite part. "A joy so great that it makes you cry" for example: the feelings you have when you give birth and see and hold your baby for the first time (instant falling in love); or when you are kneeling opposite side of the alter to your new husband and all those emotions and thoughts that are going through you; or when I gain a testimony about a new aspect of the gospel- when the spirit is sweetly testifying to you and you have no doubt that what you are hearing is truth.

I grew up in Laie a.k.a Little Utah. I have an older brother: Sammy - he teaches ukulele, can beat box and hum a song at the same time. and has the biggest heart the world will ever know. He is part of a local band called Vaihi, and if I were bald, we would look like identical twins.

I have 5 younger sisters: Kappy, Iwa, Larie, Viena, and Lisi, and a sister-in-law Lina who is only younger than me by 4 months.

Kappy and I shared a room growing up but we are as different as night and day. She got all the artistic, creative, leadership talents and the coolest little boy Elijah.

Iwa just moved to American Samoa (samoya when being pronounced by her baby) She took her three girls Mariah, Shayrn, and Rachael with her. I am missing them all. Just knowing that I can't go play with them makes me want to move.

Larie has a baby boy that will break hearts. She is a lawyer who only works part time with the law. She has been dedicated to the Polynesian Cultural Center since she started and is currently the Manager over Hawaii/Military Sales. She is always busy but always makes time for everyone.

Viena: Nothing I say would do her justice. She is our miracle baby. Born with cerebal palsy, she never spoke until she was 3 years old. . . now she never runs out of things to say. She and I are shopping partners, we love to go to good restaurants and hang out. the only downfall is we live too far away and don't get together often enough.

Alisi: Baby of the family, with all the smarts! She too will be a lawyer (working on her masters in law as I type) She has the drive to change the world, and the heart to do it lovingly. She is one of my favorite examples of Christ. Always motivated to do whats right. Can't wait till she moves back home to Hawaii permanately.

I am married. Met the hubby on Dec. 31, 1999. At a party. He claims it was love at first sight. Took about 6 months longer for me. Enoka is my strength and weakness. He can make me happier and angrier, faster and slower than anyone I know. He is so incredible and I know he was sent to earth just for me. we are too good together.

My parents are still together. . . .42 years married. they are the most different people you will ever meet but awesome in their own way.

I work for Alternative Care Services, Inc. A company that provides daily assistance for those with dissabilities so that they can live in the community rather than facilities.

I am an independant sales rep for AVON and love it. I've only been doing this for 1 1/2 months but I really love it. Not just cause I love the products. . . but their are great benefits for working for this company and It is a ton of fun!

My entire family is musically inclined. I have to practice longer than others but my favorite past time with them is singing around the grand piano on sundays.

MORE PICS FROM THE WEDDING